In this reflection we look underneath the argument.
You are fighting about the dishes. Or the thermostat. Or who forgot to lock the door. Small, domestic, almost embarrassingly petty. You can hear how ridiculous it sounds even while you are saying it. And yet you cannot stop.
Because it was never about the dishes.
The dishes are the surface. The thing you can point to. The evidence. But underneath is something that does not have a name yet. Something that needed a container, and the dishes were convenient.
Maybe it is about feeling unseen. About carrying more than your share and wondering if anyone notices. The dishes become proof of a larger imbalance, a pattern you have not found words for.
Maybe it is about respect. About whether your preferences matter. About being dismissed enough times that even a small dismissal becomes unbearable.
Maybe it is about something that happened years ago that never got resolved. The old wound that opens every time a new situation rhymes with it.
When you fight about the dishes, you are both right about the dishes. The dishes are facts. But being right about the dishes does not settle anything. It just keeps you stuck on the surface while the real thing goes unspoken.
The way out is down. Past the content and into the feeling. What is this really about? What am I actually asking for?
Usually, it is simple. I want to feel like I matter to you. I want to feel like we are a team. I want to know you see me.
These are vulnerable asks. Much more vulnerable than arguing about dishes. Easier to fight than to admit what you actually need.
But the fight will repeat until someone goes underneath. Until someone says: I do not think this is about the dishes. I think this is about something else. Can we talk about that?
That is where the real conversation starts.